Created by Susanne Stock
#favouritemodels No. 14 – Active listening
Can you hear me? This is probably one of the most frequently spoken sentences at the start of virtual meetings at the moment. My conversation partner quickly signals to me whether the sound quality is right or not. Just unmute Zoom and you’re ready to go.
How nice it would be if this brief, effective coordination were also possible again and again during a meeting. For example, when I have just tried to explain to my colleague how important it is to use our revised slide master with our new corporate design and logo for the current customer offer. Apparently I was heard and apparently they agreed with me. It is often only later – after days or even weeks – that it becomes clear that the person I am talking to has obviously heard or understood something else.
Active listening in everyday life – it should be so easy, but it is often difficult to put into practice. Are you listening to me right now, or are you busy formulating your own thoughts? One of my teaching coaches once asked me this question during my coaching training. And in fact, I sometimes find myself focusing on thinking of the next clever thing I could answer or ask when someone tells me something. However, active listening involves first clearing my head of my own ideas and thoughts and paying full attention to the other person. You could call this the spirit of enquiry – an attitude with which I follow the other person’s ideas with an open mind, curiosity and free from my own agenda.
The second – often underestimated – step is paraphrasing. This means that to make sure I have understood the other person correctly, I repeat what they have said in my own words. “Did I understand correctly that the information about using the new slide master came too late?” “Yes, it was very late, and at the same time I didn’t understand why it was so important to tackle everything again now, even though the offer was already ready in the old design.”
This form of reassurance ensures that I can come to a common understanding at the factual level. The understanding of the situation is often even expanded, as paraphrasing quickly reveals if a detail is missing or has been misunderstood. Especially in complex situations, it is worth taking the time to repeatedly check understanding together with the other party, summarize what has been discussed so far and thus develop a shared mental map.
The third step in active listening is the so-called “verbalization”. Here, too, I summarize in my own words what I have understood. However, this is no longer about the factual level, but about the emotional level. As a listener, I am no longer so much interested in the WHAT when verbalizing, but the HOW. How does the person I’m talking to express themselves? What does the tone of voice sound like? How do I perceive gestures and facial expressions? What emotions are conveyed while my conversation partner is speaking? I put myself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand him or her on an emotional level. For example, I could then reflect back: “It sounds as if you were frustrated because you had to revise the entire customer presentation at the last minute and you lost so much time …”
Active listening is therefore much more than “just” listening attentively. It also means establishing a genuine connection with my conversation partner so that the collaboration is characterized by mutual respect and trust.
The following tips can help you to actively listen in everyday life: How does my #favoritemodel help you?
- Try to avoid external “disruptive factors” from the outset. Leave your cell phone in your pocket, put your computer in standby mode, make sure the room is quiet
- Consciously seek eye contact and adopt an open and approachable posture
- Also use gestures (nodding) or short words of agreement (“Hm”, “Yes”, “Ah”) to signal that the other person has your attention.
- In between, summarize the most important key messages in your own words (be careful not to repeat everything like a ‘parrot’)
- Deepen certain content that seems important
- Ask and check whether you have understood things correctly or whether you have a common understanding of the situation
- Possible formulations: “If I have now understood you correctly …”; “I’ll summarize again …”; “So you mean …”
- Observe the other person with appreciation and verbalize what you perceive.
- Reflect perceived or assumed emotions and evaluations. These will usually resonate in non-verbal behavior, i.e. in tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures.
- Address emotions openly – be sure to formulate your assumptions as such and not present them as the “truth” so that the other person has the opportunity to correct you at any time.
- Possible formulations: “So you’re afraid …”; “Could it be that you had hoped …”; “That sounds like you’re really angry …”
Author
Susanne Stock
Project partner
